4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Kids, do not try this at home!
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.