4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
You Might Also Like
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.