4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The only good comments section online is on recipes
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.