4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Succinctly put.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Unexpected Judgment
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”