4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“You’d better run, egg!”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.