NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in