4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You Might Also Like
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you