40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself