“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Breaking news:
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car