“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.


Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy


Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences


me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that


Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.


*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️