40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see