“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
the short answer to this question
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.