400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Brands during Pride
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?