[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.