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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
When he asks for feet pics
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.