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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
File under excellent bookstore names.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said