BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.