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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session