You Might Also Like
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.