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ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.