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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.