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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: