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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis