43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
nobody’s gonna understand
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun