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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.