You Might Also Like
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.