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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
Me: Can I try it out first?
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
Did I get it?
Judge: We have no idea
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.