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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
We’ve all been there…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
the #horror is real!
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.