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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: