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*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.