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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I need a headline like this
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Had to try this trend 😊