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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I bet
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.