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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.