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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.