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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?