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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁