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*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it


I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.


me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape


EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.


I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.


Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!


I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”