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@SardonicTart

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@BraandoCommando

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

@truegritrumble

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

@internetluke

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

@slimmy_shady

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”