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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.