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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Why is everyone getting married at me
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”