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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Hmmmmm
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
He’s dead
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.