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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*