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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.