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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]


i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys


Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred


You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.


*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.


When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda


<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.


what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.