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@chuuew

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

@fuzzlime

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

@SomthinBoutSara

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

@AllanForsyth

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

@ShesARealGenius

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

@skedaddle74

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@OrdinaryAlso

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.