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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻