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@BlindChow

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@SardonicTart

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@RandomAntics

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

@AnnieKnowby

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li