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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.