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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.


Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?


[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast


Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.


we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’


Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.


I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li