You Might Also Like
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”