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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”