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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.