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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842