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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”