48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.