48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You Might Also Like
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.