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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.