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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
This is my favorite one of these!
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Pringles
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president