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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Perfect