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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions