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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.


Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit


Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”


Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.


You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.