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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed