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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Just me?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-