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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Blew my mind.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..