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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
There is no try. There is only give up.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
We need more people like this.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*