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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place